The Edge Of Night

I am with a man.  He is older than me.  Small and refined, successful, at the top of his game.  A serious man, not a player or womanizer.  A man intent on getting the job done and getting through life.  I’m attracted to him and I don’t understand why because he’s not really my type.  I know that I’m trying to fit in.  Square peg in a round hole, trying to be something I am not, but I’m so alone that I will use the chameleon technique and adapt and adjust.  We are in a place that is near a harbour, it’s picturesque in a San Francisco sort of way.  Here, as is my previous dream we seem to be on perpetual sunset.  I have met him for drinks.  There are others with us.  Then I join him in his hotel room only to hear that he is arranging to take me home.  It seems as though he doesn’t want or need me for later and physical intimacy just isn’t going to happen.  He seems to be politely and elegantly ‘managing’ me and pushing me away.  That leaves me feeling rejected and defensive.  Heart sore.

Then I am with a woman, she too is very businesslike and career driven.  Here too I am in the time of ‘sundowners’ and cocktails but things never go beyond there.  It seems I want to have a romantic relationship with her.  I have given her all my precious catalogues to have a look at.  She is sitting on the bed near the pillows.  It’s a hotel room as was the room with the previous man.  Only he was at a small round table at the window when he called his driver to take me home.  Here this woman is sitting on the bed next to the side table with the phone near her, handing me a neat looking envelope containing my catalogues.  I can see that the envelope is thinner and that she has taken what she wanted.  She is rejecting me along with the rest of my stuff.  I can’t believe I’m being rejected by these people.  They are nothing special, nothing exceptional, and yet I am giving myself over to them opening myself up to their rejection and dismissal.

Then I am with another man, a younger clone of the older man.  We have worked together on a project. On entering his hotel room and find him busy on the phone.  His laptop is on and he has worked on a document.  I walk towards him to kiss him.  My presence has made him extremely uncomfortable and he begins to erase his notes before I can read them. What hurt was that I didn’t want to read it. I was simply entering his space.  Nobody seems to trust me on this plane.  I feel warm loving, generous and friendly – open hearted.  They are cold and all have an agenda are full of mistrust and dishonesty.

I hear a gentle voice telling me that these are people who have had to fight very hard for what they have and that because of this they see everyone as a threat to their income future well-being and security.  Somewhere their humanity got lost and they turned into programs.  She advised that if I want a gauge of what true love is, to look to my dog.


An Astrological explanation for the perpetual sunset

“Because the Moon and Mercury are passing through this world-changing aspect right now — an event that’s like a standing wave, gradually bending all of space, time and the course of events into its shape — we get a chance to get accustomed to the patterns of change, and all of the thoughts and feelings associated with it. It comes with the implicit message that we need to grow, to adapt and to let go of the patterns that got us here in the first place. And that’s where we now stand, here on the edge of the night.”

A possible interpretation:

“Baum explores the theme of self-contradiction in The Wizard of Oz. He created characters who—like humans—have complex, contradictory natures. The Scarecrow, the Tin Woodman, and the Cowardly Lion all lack self-confidence. The Scarecrow believes that he has no brains, though he comes up with clever solutions to several problems that they encounter on their journey. The Tin Woodman believes that he lacks a heart, but is moved to tears when misfortune befalls the various creatures they meet. The Cowardly Lion believes that he has no courage even though he is consistently brave through their journey.”

Carl L. Bankston III of Salem Press noted that

“These three characters embody the classical human virtues of intelligence, caring, and courage, but their self-doubts keep them from being reduced to mere symbols of these qualities.”

“By the end of novel, the characters attain self-fulfilment when they have met their objectives. To convince the characters they have the qualities they desire, the Wizard places an amalgamation of bran, pins, and needles in the Scarecrow’s head to inspire intellect; gives a silk heart to the Tin Woodman to inspire love; and a drink to the Cowardly Lion to inspire bravery”.

All dreams seem to have been dreamt simultaneously they were not in consecutive order.  The feeling they evoked was powerful and I carry that feeling of inadequacy and rejection within me still.

Do we try to love machines and programs?  Are some people virtual and incapable of human emotions? Or am  I replaying some old inner program of previous rejections?  Is this dream a warning?  If I run with the ‘machine’ theory it would seem that I have encountered many of these people.  These ‘programs’ have been created as a lens, a filter through which I have viewed my life.  In this case how many ‘real’ people have I encountered?

Or is this a dream of aspects of myself which I am struggling to embrace for fear of rejection?  Am I simply lacking in self-confidence, and living in an illusion?